Things I've learned in grad school

A recent seminar prompted some reflection on what I've actually been up to the last three years. More specifically, a recently hired postdoc in my department had invited her former advisor to speak, and was going through the inevitable introductory monologue. This brief speech typically recalls some humorous connection between the inviter and invitee, or at the very least something they shared. The freshly minted PhD chose to bring up her ex-advisor's teaching skills as a lasting memory of her grad school experience. This got me thinking: what's the real take-home message so far? Granted, I'm far from done, but I'll be a monkey's uncle if I haven't learned something in the process. So, on the assumption that nostalgia is a form of advice, or that the reader is curious about what it's like, I will dispense this advise now:

1. You are all freaks. This is actually the only valuable insight I gained from graduate student orientation. Graduate students are the 1% of college kids who actually enjoyed the classes, tests and mental challenges. Everybody else went to get a high-paying job, because their parents told them to, or because they wanted to party. This fact becomes especially pertinent when you do any sort of teaching, or when you interact with undergraduates in the lab. Don't expect that these people are motivated for the same reasons you are, or even care at all. Similarly, conversation about your "job" with members of the public is best restricted to "I'm a grad student" and stating your general field of study. People don't know, and don't particularly care, about that miniscule portion of human knowledge you're trying to master. I suggest talking about sports or TV instead. The upside here is that you'll be surrounded by at least one set of like-minded people to commiserate with: other graduate students. You'll want to bitch to somebody, because...
   
   
2. Academia has hazing. This isn't readily apparent until you've been in it for a while. When presenting your research to an audience of your peers (and superiors) you'll get a bunch of questions, many of which you won't be able to answer. Reviewers will delight in tearing your precious papers to shreds. Your committee members are liable to rip you a new one during your preliminary exams. Whether all these mechanisms are supposed to instill humility, confidence or are just perpetrated because they're tradition, I don't know. What is important about them is that they are survivable. Rarely is a student actually drummed out of a program, and no matter how much looking like an idiot sucks it's not actually going to kill you. Fortunately, there's a reward...
   
   
3. This is the most flexible job you'll ever have. Possibly the biggest advantage to the situation. Graduate school exists in an odd limbo between employment and education: you're kinda working, but on the other hand you're in school - although with very few classes. The end result is that you, and only you, are responsible for producing the data that will some day result in a shiny piece of paper and people mistaking you for an M.D. Don't feel like going to the lab today? Nobody's making you. Early mornings annoying? Arrive at the crack of noon. On the other hand, experiments need tending at all hours of the night, and since you don't have a set schedule the temptation to work way more than is advisable from a standpoint of mental health is always there. Particularly when considering...
   
   
4. Publish or perish. A tried old saw, but stereotypes exist for a reason. Aside from the stupid hat they give you, your publication record is the only tangible outcome (reward?) you'll get for 4-10 years of mind-destroying labor. This is what gets you your next job, and possibly the next one after that. If you're planning to continue in academia your papers are the only thing you take with you to the next lab, and one of the more important selection criteria when it comes to getting that tenure-track professorship. Nothing you do is worth anything until it's on a piece of paper stamped with your name, your advisor's name and something like "Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences" or (if you're not so lucky) "West African Annals of Floral Development". This becomes important when you...
   
   
5. Carefully select an advisor. This is a biggie, and unfortunately a decision that is thrust upon you pretty early in the game. You will be choosing your boss, main collaborator, closest colleague and professional mentor (for the next half-decade) without all that much information to go on. Picking the right one sees you exit graduate school with your head held high, a half-dozen papers in hand and a sweet job awaiting you in a location of your choice. If you choose... poorly... you can look forward to endless arguments, lack of funding and eventually quitting in frustration. Make sure that you find somebody with a compatible personality, research interests you share, money to pay you and some drive to succeed. A professor who has never graduated a student, or one that is about to retire, might not be the best choice. A good balance between all these elements is not simple to find in one person, but it is vital in order to...
   
   
6. Relax. Or at least try to. A lot of people in grad school are Type A overachievers who put a lot of pressure on themselves. This has advantages (like getting shit done) and disadvantages (like stressing out). It's all too easy to get caught up in the microcosm that your lab and your research represent. Before you know it you've gained 40 pounds and developed insomnia. Take a step back, breathe, and go talk to some normal people every once in a while (see point #1). Hike, climb, knit scarves, play video games, hang out in bars, sky-dive, travel, whatever: the objective is to put some distance between you and your work. Bonus points if you are in a relationship with somebody outside The Game, since that person can help you put things in their proper perspective. By the way, if you figure out how to actually do this, let me know how.

And there endeth the lesson. If you're thinking about going to grad school, which is probably the only reason you would've read this far, the million dollar question is of course "Is it worth it?". I have no idea. I'll get back to you after I graduate.